On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
