I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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