You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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