and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
