Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
