I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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