Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
