well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
