Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
