I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
