are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
