peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
