dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
