Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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