I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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