Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
