Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I got inside last night via doggy door
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
