u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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