I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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