It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He better not be in your backpack
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
