i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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