if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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