I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
