there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
