the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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