I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
