I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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