Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
