So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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