Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
