Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
