I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
