When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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