So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
