That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
