he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
