I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
