so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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