Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
