so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
