the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm bleeding and have questions
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
