i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
