I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
