Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
