Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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