yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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