I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My liver just had a heart attack.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
