It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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