Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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