What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
