This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My bed smells like the plague
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
