i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize