is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize