you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
