I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
