Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
