Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
