Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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