I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
