I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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