So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
